What to do with my face?

[sistawendy]

There's something I keep thinking about occasionally since my appointment with Dr. Faceknife on Monday. When he was doing the live Photoshopping of my jaw and asking me what I wanted my jaw to look like, it was surprisingly hard for me to say. At my first appointment I told him in jest that if I end up looking more like my mother than I do already, that's a win, but seriously, even if I had a picture of my mom from thirty years ago to give him, I wouldn't. I want to look like how I think I look.

The trouble is, what I usually see in the mirror and what every one else sees aren't the same. What I see in the mirror and what I see even in professional photographs (*waves at leenerella*) aren't the same. I see a woman; that's why I live as one now. Part of this is that I'm seeing myself from two thirds of the way up my face, which definitely helps me feel better day to day, but it doesn't explain everything. This disconnect between my usual perception and most of the goddamn planet's is the very heart of being trans.

You can tell me that most of the goddamn planet's perception doesn't matter at all, or that "usual" is good enough. I'm here to tell you that isn't true, not if I can do anything about it.

Dr. Faceknife's first suggestions - to his credit, I thought - were subtle. What I thought looked right was... less so. He says we're going to go through the same exercise again (!) on surgery day. How my mind is going to work after six hours of no food or fluids I'm not sure, but I'm grateful for the second chance.

Comments

[m_cobweb]

FWIW, I don't think I ever told you this--the first time I saw you after your transition was at Wayward, and it had been a while. My first thought was "cute geek girl is waving at me oh heck where do I know her from?" (What you think of being seen as a geek girl, well, that I don't know.)


That said, having a fair bit of disconnect between what I see in the mirror and what photos show me, I can sympathize. I'd love to have a better match there myself (although given that what I see in the mirror varies so much from day to day, maybe it's better that I don't).

[sistawendy]

"cute geek girl is waving at me oh heck where do I know her from?"

It is to laugh.