Nun starts drama storm. Film when hell freezes over.

[sistawendy]

Remember a couple of entries ago, when I expressed shock and dismay at being called my son's dad in public? I cross-posted it to Zuckerberg's data mine. Drama ensued. Once again, it was an unpleasant surprise. I mean, it's wonderful that plenty of my friends have my back, but it's less than wonderful that some of them now aren't speaking to each other. And some of the 'splaining that went on was kind of like watching the fireball from a derailed fuel train: hypnotic and voluminous, but messy and tragic.

Resolved: I'm not going to censor myself over this or anything like it in the future. And you know things like this are going to keep on happening for the rest of my life.

It's yet another hard lesson in what people around me are really made of, but no one gets to tell me how to feel or what to write about any of this.

Comments

Have chainsaw, will travel

[loree.livejournal.com]

It's no loss, honestly. If she's more concerned about the hypothetical motives of someone she doesn't even know than about your own feelings and she flips out and flounces when she's called on it, she's a bad friend and I'm glad she's self-identified as an intolerant ass so I feel no guilt about cutting her out of my life.

I am very sorry to set the torch to gasoline in your space, but I would like to point out that she presumed I was speaking about her (I wasn't, in fact). And that speaks volumes about her own feelings on the subject of friendship vis-a-vis the rights of trans* people, IMO.

Re: Have chainsaw, will travel

[cupcake-goth.livejournal.com]

Having just gone and looked at the post in question - Loree is absolutely right.

Also, my surprised face: gosh, Nibs was quick to defend the neighbor? Never would have guessed.

[dagard.livejournal.com]

Fuck ''em. All of everybody.

You've got a dag. I'd say it if you didn't. Hell, I'd say it anyway, just a lot more crudely than May be appropriate.

[faerieburst.livejournal.com]

But MAURA, you are so MEAN to presume that there was either ignorance, malice, or passive-aggressive behaviour because there is NO OTHER WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE to address you as other than "dad". None. At all. Ever.

::headdesk, headdesk, headdesk::

Seriously, that was so full of what the fuck I didn't even know how to wrap my head around it. I responded as civilly as I could, but I'll tell you, that was like the 5th edit removing things like "Are you fucking kidding me?", "You cannot actually be taking that stance with a straight face.", "This MUST be an initiation trolling prank from 4chan because no one who has been around Maura for that long could POSSIBLY be making that argument.", and "Oh my god, good riddance."

I can be civil when I have to.

But jesus fuck.

~Aramada

[sistawendy.livejournal.com]

I never ascribe to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity, and I'm convinced that what happened Saturday was pure stupidity. Lots of it.

I haven't enjoyed this debate, but reading what you wrote was comforting. There's a reason why you're involved in the law.

And long time no see! Do you still haunt any of the old haunts?

[maellenkleth]

a quiet hug and an expression of deep comprehension from afar...

Maura, you're one **solid** woman, in my estimation.

/elane

[apestyle.livejournal.com]

Was that "evil sister"?

Is a puzzlement

[parityanimal.livejournal.com]

Neighbor was clearly in the wrong, but I would ascribe it to ignorance and uncouth rather than stupidity.

While not defending the clueless neighbor I'd venture to guess that a lot of non-LGBTQ persons would not have, off the top of their heads, quite known what to say.

To me, the OBVIOUS thing would be, "Oh, look, there's Maura and her son!" would be just fine, but I can sort of see an ignorant (not necessarily stupid, just ignorant, as in not knowledgable) person starting off with, "Oh look there's BOY and his..." and then possibly floundering upon realizing that Dad doesn't fit anymore but not knowing offhand what does fit.

But just saying flippantly, "Oh look, there's boy and his dad!" clearly does NOT fit and should not have been uttered!

[sistawendy.livejournal.com]

Who, the woman in PCC? No. That would have been far more dramatic; she would have made sure of that.

Re: Is a puzzlement

[sistawendy.livejournal.com]

It occurred that calling me "dad" is about this >< much better than using my old name.

[apestyle.livejournal.com]

No, I meant the person sharing your surname.

[sistawendy.livejournal.com]

Oh, hell no. That's my Aspiring Ex.

[sistawendy.livejournal.com]

Thanks. And oh by the way, I'm driving up your way to see a Cut Copy concert on the 23rd. If you want to get together afterward, I'd be thrilled. (I can't come earlier because I'm meeting randomdreams and manintheboat for lunch, and they're coming up from Denver.

[neuro42.livejournal.com]

This. To your typical american, the very concept of gender being non-invariant is about as likely to occur to them as Einstein's Theory of General Relativity. It is someting that simple does not exist in their brains. Does that makeit OK? No. But you can't in good faith expect better of them. Some of them can be taught, though you're under no obligation to do so, but generally speaking they are very unlikely to figure it out themselves.

I mean, hell, most of them can't even figure out people who change their *name* or *hair color*.

[sistawendy.livejournal.com]

Never mind any epiphanies about gender identity. Just using her eyes would have told her "dad" might not be the right word in that situation. This was almost but not quite as bad as using my old name.

[neuro42.livejournal.com]

You have missed my point entirely.

To the Average Amurrican(TM), the vaguest concept of a Dad becoming anything at all other than a dad is about as remote from their so-called mind as a fish becoming a bicycle. To such a person, there is literally nothing you could ever do whatsoever to become anything other than a dad. Your appearance, your driver's license, hell, your very existence simply doesn't enter into it.

I'm not saying they're right. I'm not saying it's not offensive. But I am saying that it's true, and you have no chance in hell of ever changing it.

[sistawendy.livejournal.com]

Jeez, Neuro, give me some credit. I know what you're saying. There are plenty of people out there who think you can "go gay", as well, who think that being a (cisgendered) queer is a choice. Their number is falling, or at least the number of people who are willing to admit to being one of them is falling. Even the latter represents progress if it means less pain for queers, trans or cis.

And the way that either kind of progress happens is by speaking out, and by appealing to the better nature of the Average Amurrican®. If the cis queers can do it, so can trans people. Yes, there are fewer of us than there are cis queers, and we're not as rich per capita, but the strategy is proven.

This is your virtual happy pill for the day, good for misanthropy and dandruff.