My son: ward of the state?

[sistawendy]

The good news: I got my tax refund, just barely within the three weeks that the IRS says it usually arrives after they get your return. Now my challenge is to not use my debit card so frequently that it gets locked; that happened last year.

The bad news: Ex wants to hire a lawyer and get our son evaluated to see if we can get him on SSI. She says he can't work more than five hours at in a row without some time to unwind (read: jumpenflappen). She says other parents in our situation have made it happen, and that he's going to need it if he's ever going to move out of her house. She wants him gone pretty badly; he's with her five days a week and isn't the best housemate.

I have all of the feels about this.

1. I don't think it's likely to succeed. I think the gummint is likely to conclude that he's just a whiny-assed scatterbrained punk an ordinary ADDer with a helicopter mom, and not eligible for benefits, no matter how many times we appeal.
2. Even if we did succeed, it feels to me as if we'd be scammers.
3. How does the Wendling feel about this? Ex told me she'd made him aware. I brought it up over dinner last night, and it seemed to be news to him. I tried to keep my tone neutral. He was against it, but not vociferously. He disputes what his mother says about not being able to work more than five hours in a row. That to me is surprising as sunrise.

But here's an argument in Ex's favor. The path to independence for him runs through school; there's just no two ways about that anymore, not in an expensive big city. I asked him something like, "What's your plan to keep what happened the last time you were in school from happening again?"

Silence. And a guilty look on his face.

"You need to come up with an answer to that question," I said. He pointed out that if he's a full-time student he'd have to work less. I'm so very OK with that. Ex, who graduated college in 1981, has outdated notions of working oneself through school. I need to disabuse her of this Boomer baloney.

So now that's potentially two lawyers who might get their hands on my tax refund: one for my mother and one for my son, both with brain problem situations.

Comments

[garpu]

I worked all through my college career, and...it got increasingly difficult to do. By 2010 (when I defended the dissertation), the jobs I was working weren't covering crap, and it significantly slowed my progress. (Those who only had a TA or RA position finished way sooner than my 2-3 non-academic gigs.) I can't imagine how difficult things have gotten now, especially in a city like Seattle. It's one of many things that keeps me up at night, worrying for my nieces. (And voting accordingly.)

[sistawendy]

I'm amazed you pulled it off that recently.

[garpu]

It...wasn't easy.

[eeyorerin]

Most of my students work part-time and it shows. I don't mean that disparagingly; I just mean that I see how hard they have to work to try to balance things and a lot of them slip off the tightrope at times.

[eeyorerin]

A few questions:

1) what kind of transitional/vocational programs exist in your county/city/community for young adults with the Wendling's set of needs? What kinds of transitional planning did the Wendling get in high school? Are there counselors who specialize in this kind of planning that the Wendling could meet with?

2) what universities/colleges in your area offer programs or seem to work with a lot of students with the Wendling's set of needs? My university has more and more resources these days, but some universities tend to have better reputations and resources for working with those student populations. I have no idea how you'd research that but I bet someone somewhere has done that kind of research or other parents/students with this dilemma have done it or are discussing it somewhere.

[sistawendy]

I don't know about transitional programs or transitional planning in high school, but he's aware of the help available from his local community colleges. Typically, he's been reluctant to use it. It occurs to me that he's like me and my mother this way, which is really unhelpful right now.

[cupcake_goth]

Even if he was a full-time student, I don't know if he'd succeed, because while working part-time and going to school is grinding, I don't fee he'd be able to focus on his studies enough. Not because he's lazy, but because that's not how his brain works.

[sistawendy]

Oh, I'm OK with his not working at all if that's what it takes.