tips on driving in Tokyo

[sistawendy]

The title of this entry is my favorite metaphor for what it's been like jumping back into the dating pool as a trans lesbian after 15 years of monogamous marriage: you learn to drive, then you take mass transit for 15 years, then you're driving again - in Tokyo.

I had lunch with fellow trans lesbian M, who went Full Time and got the Grand Snip many years ago and has much more experience of such things than I do. She had two observations about women who are significantly more accustomed to relationships with other women compared to those who are at least as accustomed to men.

• The low-on-men women (LOMs?), says M, have a lower tolerance for expressions of anger.
• As irritating as high-on-men women may find eagerness in men, to a degree it's tolerated and even expected & rewarded. LOMs, on the other hand, don't put this expectation much on other women. To them eagerness is another warning sign.

So what do you think? Hooey? Or truey?

Comments

[manintheboat.livejournal.com]

John says I think this is hooey.

[sistawendy.livejournal.com]

He thinks it's hooey or you do?

[randomdreams.livejournal.com]

We talked this over for a while and were having a bit of trouble parsing the last two lines.
My conclusion was that you're asking if gold-star lesbians don't participate in overt displays of anger (on either side) as willingly as people who have dealt with relationships with men.

When I put it that way, manintheboat started talking about her last relationship with a gold-star lesbian who was even more chock-full of anger and fury than manintheboat, so if we parsed it right, she doesn't think it matches her experience.

[maellenkleth]

Low-key is alluringly attractive; in a word, 'softly'. ^_^

33 years, four lovers, only the first was a man.

You'll get there.

**hugs**

[macabre0.livejournal.com]

As someone whose relationships split evenly between men and women, I would say that my tolerance for anger in any relationship is low. Though I think that might be more because of my age than my gender preferences. One abusive relationship is enough for anyone, thanks.

And personally, I like it when people show enthusiasm and interest in me. Not psycho-stalker enthusiasm, but just the ability to show they are paying attention to our conversations and wanting to spend more time with me. Unfortunately, lots of women are not raised to be that way, so we end up liking each other but not really showing our enthusiasm early on for fear of being "too aggressive" which I hate.

So, some truth to both statements.

[javagoth.livejournal.com]

Don't know - many LOM's, as you say, won't give me the time of day since I'm a "dirty" bisexual who refuses to renounce men...

[sistawendy.livejournal.com]

Wow. You're the umpteenth bi woman I've heard complain about this kind of 'tude from lesbians. I've even heard one lesbian complain about the term "gold star" lesbians, i.e. those who've never slept with men. More like star-bellied.

But you know, technically, I'm a gold star lesbian. Nyeh heh heh heh.

[serpentmoon.livejournal.com]

That's interesting. I don't date women, but I am, I guess, relatively a LOM woman, what with having been with my ex for 16 years and I don't date much. But true to her observation I have a low tolerance for expressions of anger. Of course, everyone gets angry at things, but I have a problem with explosive anger, especially over petty things or things that don't even warrant any anger.

hmmm I guess I also have a low tolerance for moodiness. And similar to macabre0, a low tolerance for indifference about me. I get that from men more than women. My female friends shower me with nice words and affection.

Sometimes I think I should be a lesbian!

*sigh*

[sistawendy.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I think I should be a lesbian!

I'll put in a good word for you with the admissions committee.

[la-roja.livejournal.com]

I have things to say but nothing that I could make politically correct enough for the internet. Ask me the next time you see me if you want to know. :)

[sistawendy.livejournal.com]

My, my. Now you've got my curiosity up.

And yeah, I understand the desire to keep stuff like this off the Net. There are too many undie-bunchers out there.

[savannarama.livejournal.com]

The low-on-men women (LOMs?), says M, have a lower tolerance for expressions of anger.

I think this is true, based simply on my experiences with men. Men are often culturally supported in expressions of anger that women are not (women are encouraged to internalize it, or be passive-aggressive). For women who are low on experiences with men, I can imagine that angry outbursts can be a lot more shocking.

No opinion on the second premise.

[icprncs.livejournal.com]

This. I think this all has more to do with cultural issues and socialization than with anything specific to sexual-partner preference. It's intensely complex.

[maellenkleth]

mulling this over further today whilst at work, from whence I cannot safely comment.

so, here, now being briefly in a neutral place with unfiltered web access, I'd offer the observation that it is mostly about socialisation, that the overculture trains women to play well with others (including holding back on open displays of anger), and that in a transdyke setting, displays of anger may well be regarded as being exemplary of 'male narrative', which, one may suspect, is deprecated.

my ten cents' worth, from lived experience, anyway.

good luck in your explorations!

-- elane

[xaotica.livejournal.com]

i've never had a lady discourage me from eagerness. they've appreciated it sometimes to the point of specifically thanking me for being direct.

i like expressions of anger, but i'm not really LOM either, and i also tend to openly express anger (and everything, really) with everyone